Time has been more abundant since the day I removed my presence from Facebook. The first few days, I seemed to have such endless extra time, I wondered how I would ever fill it all. Slowly, but surely, I have found productive ways to fill the space. I have become more dedicated to my piano, have found time for naps, I have attempted study time (though I am struggling with my focusing on important readings and internalizing information and need to find out why before midterms begin), and I have started reading for leisure again.

Several years ago, my sister worked as a receptionist for the pre-nursing program at BYU. During that time, some conference or lecture or something of the sort came around that I guess they all attended. The speaker had written this book and they all got a copy to read before the conference or lecture or whatever that gathering was. I also lived in Provo and somehow that book ended up in my possession. Fast forward a few years, and this migrating book ended up in the pocket behind the driver's seat of my SUV. Fast forward another year and a half, and, despite having left this book in there deliberately each time I cleaned my car (and I clean it several times a month), the other day I removed it and placed it in my room. With all this time to spare now, I suppose it was only fitting that the a few nights ago I opened it up and began to read.

The book is titled "Wake Up to a Happier Life: Finding Joy in the Work You Do Every Day" by: Amanda Dickson. Those of you who have ever considered me an ornery person (and I think that includes all of you), are likely thrilled at the prospect of me waking up to a happier life. Let me first assure you of this: I will either become the happiest ornery person or the orneriest happy person you know, but I will be both.

Anyway...I wanted to share something that I have sort of learned in life, but when I read it today, having it laid out in an organized way, I gained a deeper understanding of. We are motivated to do everything that we do by one of three feelings. We are motivated by fear, we are motivated by duty, or we are motivated by love. When we do things out of fear, whether it be fear of losing something or someone, fear of failure, etc., we are led to resentment. You will despise doing what you have to do, and despise the thing or person you are doing it for. Doing something out of sense of duty is not a terrible thing, but it often leaves us feeling trapped if we only do it out of duty. The best way to be motivated to action is love. I can personally attest that when we act in love, there is a fullness and completeness and a sweet feeling that accompanies it. You will find yourself fully engaged when you act out of love.

Acting out of love is a goal I have been working hard to achieve. A great example I discovered in myself is school. I did not plan on going back to school anytime soon. Then, one day I had a thought and three days later I applied, was admitted, and enrolled. I thought a lot on what motivated me to go back to school. I told people it was because I figured I needed a degree eventually and I was already here, so why not. That was not entirely true. If you know me, you know I follow the news a lot. I spend on average a few hours a day reading news from around the world. Local news, regional news, national news, international news, odd news, entertainment news, opinions, and more. I have inside of me a very deep desire to learn things. I cannot really explain what specifically I look for in the news, but not unlike my father, I have begun to develop a wide range of knowledge of numerous topics, many of which may seem trivial to some. I enjoy knowing the history of places, particularly the places I live. I enjoy seeing something while I drive and researching it, such as the Bear River Massacre site north of here that I stopped at on the way to Rexburg one day. This coming Tuesday actually marks the 150 year anniversary of the massacre. I am motivated by a love for knowledge. I own a dictionary and thesaurus I look to often. I do crossword puzzles to increase my learning and Scrabble is my favorite board game. I have a book called "The Way Things Work" I flip through to learn basic concepts in the world around me. I am not a huge television watcher, but I do watch a lot of Discovery Channel, History Channel, and other channels with shows that teach me about the world and its history. I love to learn. That love has enabled me to open my mind and to fully engage myself in learning all that I can. I went back to school as a result.

These three motivations apply to every situation you will find yourself in. The only person who can choose how you live is you. You can go to work and spend the day looking over your shoulder for fear of being fired. You can go to work every day out of duty to your family because you need the money. Or, you can go to work every day because you love the opportunity you have today to do that job, to give your talents, to meet and communicate with other great people, and to be able to provide for your loved ones. Tomorrow, you can seek a new job, but it is today, and what lies before you will be there no matter how you choose to approach it.

The final thought I would like to share today from the book concerns change. Change happens in an instant. It occurs the moment your mind is truly made up. Every day you live that change in the decisions you make, but that change happened in an instant.

 I feel that too often we are waiting for people to change when they already have. In our eyes, they are not changed until they have spent a certain amount of time making the decisions that support their change. I know we, myself included, can be judgmental, but I am certainly going to work harder to accept the changes those around me make sooner, to trust in them more.

Our Song of the Day today is "Without You" covered by the always amazing Piano Guys.

We had a rare event occur in Utah today. Well, rare for Utah. In Texas, we saw this phenomenon more frequently.

Freezing rain.

Possibly the most difficult form of precipitation to deal with. Normal rain, no problem, often even enjoyable. Snow, easy; also enjoyable. Mist: cool. Hail: mostly cool (once you get to golf ball size you're at the line of cool, dangerously cool, and deadly (which is still cool)). Freezing rain though? Not fun. It turns the roads to skating rinks. It turns the sidewalks to slip n' slides. It turns your windshield to church-worthy frosted glass displays. You would honestly be better off with a sled, a husky, and a hot dog dangling on a string. The only real good thing I can think of that ever came from freezing rain was a day or two off...but in Utah there is no such thing. Not unless all the power, heat and daylight are gone or angels start harkening in the Second Coming, and even then I do not think we would get time off for our judgement. Anyway...point is, mighty Mother Nature showed off today. The inversion (which is NOT the pollution but rather the warm air that traps the cold air and the pollution) stayed in place when this weak storm hit. The valleys have been trapped with super sub-freezing temperatures for some time now, while the mountains have actually been in the 40s. Thus, when the storm moved in, it was raining in the balmy upper air, but as the rain fell into the unjustly cold valleys, it chilled and froze the moment it touched just about everything. The result was chaos. People here struggle to drive when it is 80 degrees and light cloud cover creates the ideal driving conditions. They really struggle when it gets wet. They are impossible when it is slushy. I can only imagine the mayhem that went on throughout all of northern Utah with ice sheets for roads. I envision some variation of the sport of curling.

On to a more serious matter, the other day I had a most interesting conversation that really got me thinking. I was at work and a friend asked what makes a person a bad person. I thought about it and my response was something to the effect of a person is bad probably when they have given up on trying to be good. Not just that they are lost, but more they have been lost for so long that their destructive habits have become a destructive lifestyle and they have no desire to do good or perhaps not even the awareness of good anymore. When you really think on it, if you care about people at all, you will find it very difficult to perceive anyone as being bad. This friend and I discussed this briefly and for most of the remainder of that day, I began wondering what defines a person as good and whether or not I am a good person. There is a very vast range of subtopics that could be explored in this, but ultimately, I came up with a basic understanding that I would like to attempt to share. I believe that we are all born good. As we are raised and we grow, we become our own selves and we are all given various trials and circumstances that will severely test us. During these trials, we will certainly and without exception fail on more than one occasion. We are human. What really makes the difference, I believe, is how you react to your failures. (When I say failure, I am not only focusing on sins of the religious, I refer to any failure on any scale in life, whether you believe in God or not.) If you allow a failure to dishearten you, and to hurt you, and to bring you down, you will most certainly gain nothing and could eventually lose something else. With each failure after, you slowly and slowly fall, until at some point, with your values long gone, your faith only a whisper of a memory, and your true self lost, you turn to those destructive habits and in the end, a destructive lifestyle wherein you may harm yourself or others. However, if you encounter a failure and you seek to learn from it, to better yourself and others from that experience, and to put in place actions that prevent failure in that regard again, you grow. As you continuously look to better yourself and others, you form beneficial habits that lead to a life of service, love, care, and ultimately, goodness. You can try to break down the levels of goodness all day long, but I contend that there should be no levels you seek to attain, but rather work to become the absolute best you can. You will always find areas to improve on.

Being good is something we have to be proactive at. I frequently ask myself "Have I done any good today?" Did I hold a door open for someone, did I visit a friend, did I drive someone somewhere, did I apologize for something I did or said that I should not have? I have mentioned before and I will mention again that my friends (and family) are the center of my life. The experiences I share with them, the memories we create, the meals we share, the service they allow me to give to them are the focal point and very source of my happiness. I was absolutely serious when I said I would give up all of my possessions to gain a lost friend back. My favorite part from a song I have shared a couple times here:

Say what you will, but the time that we fill
while we're on the earth
should not be alone, we were meant to be known
and you make me what I'm worth.

I know that I have an enormous amount of learning and growing to do. There are very few, if any things I claim to really know. I have ideas on how the world works and I put forth efforts with those ideas. Sometimes I do ok, but more often than not I fail. But I have a desire to be good. I have a desire to keep learning, to keep failing, to keep growing and I will continue to do so until I either die or that day of judgement finally comes...though if I am in Utah, someone call me and let me know so I don't miss it.

Song of the Day is "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus....haters gonna hate, but the lyrics are perfectly appropriate for today's post...

Going back to school this time around is a little more difficult. Last time I had savings and I just paid tuition right out of my pocket and lived very comfortably within my means with my part-time job. This time, I work full-time and I still had to incur student loans.

 Honestly, I'm not very pleased with myself.

I know how much money I made last year. A little over half of that went to cost of living, but that still leaves a substantial amount unaccounted for. If you break it down, in theory, I should have been able to pay off my debts, save money, and still live comfortably within my means and have plenty to enjoy nights out. Yet, somehow my debts increased.

I might as well come out and admit what my debts are. I think the humiliation of admitting it will help me cut off ALL non-vital expenditures and enable me to pay it off quick. The certain rebuke from home will probably also assist. The total in unsecured debt (unsecured meaning personal lines of credit and such) as of today is $2362.51.

Two thousand three hundred sixty-two dollars and fifty-one cents.

Most of that is in my car. A big chunk went into taxes last year. Really only a couple hundred has been spent on things I don't need, but because I did not pay off the big price emergency things like the car repair and the tax bill, when I would go out or buy something, that money should have gone into reducing the deficit. Therein lies my main problem. I feel my spending can certainly be reduced, but I definitely do not go out and blow all my money on shopping sprees. As I mentioned before, most of the things I have I have had for many years. The most I really spent in a shopping spree was when I bought 4 long sleeve shirts for between $6 and $8 each, and since the temperature has been below zero for about 90% of the winter, that was a good investment.

The only way to really handle this is to stop spending altogether. Every penny I have that does not go into monthly obligations needs to go into reducing my deficit. There is a very real pressure that comes with any amount of debt. Having a debt increases my stress levels. No matter how much I may say my finances are in good order, they are not and that effects every other facet of my life. It is hard to focus on other things when you are constantly nagged by your own irresponsibility.

Time to institute a serious course of action.

Song of the Day is "If I Had a Million Dollars" 

If you ever thought you were alone in life, say an honest prayer. Yesterday was a sucky day and as I was struggling through it before bed, I knew I needed some help, so I paused and prayed.

This morning, I was heading out to school. I went to the stadium parking lot to catch the shuttle up to campus. As usual, this time of day was jam packed. Two buses that go two different ways up came, but both were full. One I was even on, but the driver was more strict on rules and would not let us stack the front, so we had to exit and wait for the next one. I wanted the bus that went closer to my class, but a bus heading to the other side of campus came and could squeeze one more person on, so, despite the extra 5 minutes of walking on campus, I opted to take it. Up on campus, I disembarked and began the walk to my class. There are about 20,000 students at Utah State. I ran into the one student in the masses that could put a smile on my face.

Taylor Smith, my awesome friend from down at the resort.

 It has been almost a year since I have seen her and many months since I have talked to her, though I have often thought of her and wondered what she was up to. She was excited to see me as well and while we only had a minute to say hi, we are going to meet up later this week and catch up.

Seeing an old friend was a great surprise and definitely made my day.

I have always been good about taking care of my personal belongings so they last a long time. I got my first phone in 2006 and did not replace it until 2012. I replaced it mostly to get a new service. The phone still worked. I got my first laptop in 2007. I did not need to replace it until the end of 2011. Once again, the laptop still worked, but it was out of date and I had little choice but to update. I have had the same church shoes since I was a junior in high school. As I look around my room, many of the items I see I have owned for many years. It is important to take care of the things that I have.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this.

I lost my best friend. She doesn't want any more to do with me. She doesn't want to talk to me. She doesn't want to see me. She doesn't want to think about me. She wants to forget everything about me. I have never had a friend who meant so much to me. I would give up all of my precious belongings to save this friendship. I would give up my laptop, I would give up my phone, I would give up my theater, I would give up my shoes, I would give up my games, I would give up my money.

 If I could have this friendship back, I would give up everything I have, and I would be content.

My heart is not filled by the physical things. I have been blessed with many physical things to make my life enjoyable, yet still my heart is empty.

 Each life that touches ours for good

    Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;

    Thou sendest blessings from above

    Thru words and deeds of those who love.

   

What greater gift dost thou bestow,

    What greater goodness can we know

    Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways

    Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

   

When such a friend from us departs,

    We hold forever in our hearts

    A sweet and hallowed memory,

    Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.

   

 For worthy friends whose lives proclaim

    Devotion to the Savior's name,

    Who bless our days with peace and love,

    We praise thy goodness, Lord, above.

Come on, come on
You have got to move on
This is not the you i know
This isn't real
It's just all you can feel
And that's the way that feelings go
And whether or not it's right or wrong you'll do what you will do

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

Say what you will but the time that we fill
While we're on the earth
Should not be alone
We were meant to be known
You make me what I'm worth
But I can't keep you from yourself you'll do what you will do

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes

I don't know why it has to be this way and
I don't know the cure
But please believe someone has felt this way before

When the cloud in the sky starts to pour
And your life is just a storm you're braving
Don't tell yourself you can't lean on someone else
Cause we all need saving sometimes...

A new chapter in my life began today. It was certainly a bitter sweet day.


I started school again, which is exciting and promising, but also, as of yesterday, my account on Facebook is no longer active. That has been an interest change to adapt to. We all know we spend too much time on there basically doing nothing anyway, but when you have used it so long and then one day it is gone, you find a whole lot of time that needs filling. Thankfully, I will have school to help fill it, as well as a long list of books I plan on reading, many of which are political, but some will probably be fiction. Not having Facebook is not as hard to adapt to though than the situation that led to that decision, but, I have absolutely no regret about my decision. If the virtual world has such a strong hold that such a misunderstanding can completely decimate a friendship, then I would very much rather build relationships far away from the influences of that grip.

I recall back in November when I wrote about getting the most out of life. Here are my exact words:

"I can personally attest that the following statement is absolutely true: There is NO alternative to spending real time with someone. No matter how much you may message on facebook, or like someone's statuses, or share youtube videos, or even text message all day long, being with that person, spending actual time together, is irreplaceable."

I guess now I get a real chance to prove this to myself. Being outside of Facebook, you see just how small of a social circle you have. Especially since, in my case, a major part of my circle is now gone.

Anyway, I am excited to learn more in school this semester.

And, I wanted to share a song I stumbled across the other day. It definitely found me on the right day. It is playing in the background already as our Song of the Day, but I put a video too because I wanted you to be able to read the lyrics. So, the Song of the Day is called "Tomorrow Will Be Kinder" by: The Secret Sisters.

Oh, and since I am no longer on Facebook, I hope you all will help increase readership on my blog by either inviting friends and family to read or you could link it to your Facebook or something. My blog serves as a personal journal of sorts for me, but I know many people find strength or insight in the things I share so I hope if you ever think something on here will benefit someone, please share it with them.

I suppose people will wonder why I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I will briefly explain.

Last year, I met a person who quickly became a friend. She was stunningly beautiful, fun to be around, she was caring, smart, and just a wonderful person. When I met her, I was lost and heading down a path that did not lead to any progress in life and at the time, I did not see all of the great things that she was. We went through some difficult times at first because of this. I was a complete jerk to her and I never deserved to be with her. But still, she cared for me and we dated for a few months. During the time we were dating, I grew tremendously as a person. Just when I was at the point when the past was behind us and the future looked so amazing, she wanted to break it off. I was broken-hearted, but after a couple weeks of deep sorrow, I realized that even though we weren't dating, I was still on the precipice of great change. I wrote her a personal letter telling her many things I wanted her to know before we parted ways. I expected when I wrote the letter that I would never see her again. To my great delight, that was not the case. We remained best friends. I had the great privilege of seeing her many more times. Through all the experiences we shared, I learned one of the greatest feelings I have ever known. I learned a different kind of love, a deeper, true love for a person. I have moved around a lot and never really had a friend that I could be so close with until her. It is difficult for me to put into words how greatly I cared for my dear, sweet friend. She taught me so many things. She was an example to me in many ways and I was humbled to have been blessed with such a good friendship, one which I felt I did not deserve. She saved me, and all that I am right now I owe to her.

Recently, our friendship has come into jeopardy and possibly ended abruptly. Technology is a wondrous thing, but even in all its greatness, there are flaws in the way everything works together. Such was the case when a combination of new Facebook security protocols, a crashed web browser, and saved information collided to create the perfect storm that led to her account being compromised and alerting her that an unauthorized computer was attempting to access her account. The new security protocols did as they were supposed to and prevented the account from being accessed, but with the alert being sent, doubt entered the mind, trust was lost, and a the downward spiral of fear and anger quickly took its toll. I have done all I can to help her understand the truth, but the anger and hate have too firm a grasp in her mind and I am helpless. Once again, my heart is broken.

I determined that the ability to share my thoughts with others throughout the day in a social network setting is not worth the immense pain I feel in the loss of all that I care for. If the information contained within such a place can cause such torture, then I will give it up without a second thought.

And to my friend, I would give all that I have to properly tell you this: thank you for saving me. Not a day has passed since you came into my life that I haven't fallen to my knees and poured out my heart in gratefulness for the honor of your friendship. I will always reserve a place in my heart and mind for you and my life will be a monument to your influence.

The Song of the Day is dedicated to this friend, it's "We All Need Saving" by Jon McLaughlin.

"Say what you will,
but the time that we fill
while we're on the earth
should not be alone
we were meant to be known
You make me what I'm worth..."